The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
