isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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