i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
