Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
