Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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