Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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