I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
