My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
