i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
