it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
