Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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