I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
