Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
