maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
