I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we made out on top of his cat.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
