i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
