im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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