sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize