i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize