A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
