I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
