I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize