why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
