I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
