you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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