On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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