I accidentally had phone sex last night
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Randomize
