my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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