I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
