One girl and one boy is just not enough.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
