Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize