Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
