she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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