new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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