my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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