every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
