We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
