We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
