WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
