Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
