i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize