i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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