Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
