How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
