Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
