I could make wine with my vomit
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
