dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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