Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Pants are for mortals
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
