Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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