last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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