You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
