Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just google imaged poop.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
