I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
