Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
