Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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