Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
