My friends, they love my intelligence
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
