Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
