Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
